Without any business context then yeah, lots of people would object to that. But it wont be easy. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Maybe LW could ask her own friends opinions, and LW, if you cant think of anyone to ask, is that because husband has systematically eliminated outside relationships? Best of luck to you. Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. The hotel was phenomenal, though! etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. Sadly, that would be a culture that supports controlling behavior. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. You dont have to have cause to break up with someone! Do I Have to Travel with Husband to Visit In-laws? - Mamapedia Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. It sure could be, also its pretty weird that hes getting such a homogenous I would NEVER let my spouse go on a trip to Vegas for their job response from everyone hes discussed this with. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. Right? Ifyoure feeling left out, that means something iswrong. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? What about yourself? As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. Ive been to Vegas. I love my wife and we bought land and a home. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. 8 1 11 1. I do have anxiety and PTSD from my days in the army. But yeah, I would go to a counselor rather than skipping straight to a lawyer unless there are more flagrant issues. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. I think theres sometimes a tendency in certain corners of the internet to equate I have to talk to my partner about X before I can do it or My partner doesnt want me to do Y with OMG controlling relationship!, when there are lots of circumstances where that kind of thing is totally reasonable. Create an account or log in to participate. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. I agree. If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. You could rent a car, though, and see lots of great places Hoover Dam, Boulder City, Red Rock Canyon, drive around Lake Mead, drive through Death Valley, go to Scottys Castle, just drive down to Jean and Primm and back for the heck of it (we did that several times when we lived there), Mt. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Kids are the most common reason for this sort of thing, but other caretaking responsibilities can also lead to spouses being very accountable to each other for their whereabouts. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. And ate a lot of food. I went just this month with my husband. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. Ignore your phone for the rest of the trip, do not let him pester you or hog time soothing him when you should be doing work stuff. I gave the ring back soon after. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. You sound like a real piece of work. In *that* sense, I think there can be a legit question about when you can gracefully bow out of a work trip, and when you have to stick it out and go. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. If someone tells my son, I am a thief, or. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. I got a sense of that with first part of the letter, but then the follow-up indicated he said his pals would not LET their spouses/sig others go well, thats a pretty bright red flag there. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. Do NOT potentially sabotage your career over this, especially if you are the main breadwinner. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. For work. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. It is a huge trust issue. Also conferences in Vegas are soul-crushingly awful and boring. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. Frankly, what worked for me was meeting the team my wife was working with. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). And I do like some gambling. That is your priority as a mother. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? with his friends, not you. Fine with me. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Husband may be dealing with separation anxiety, and instead of communicating that, is using Las Vegas I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. Why he wants to go alone. Maybe hes an abusive dick. For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. If we could afford flying we would have. The point being that because he cares about you, he will do whatever he can to make his relationship with you as strong as possible. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. Im going to a conference there in November for in-depth training on our electronic medical records system (not exactly a party subject! Even with the additional information. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. Whats wrong with disembark? My husband of 23 years has never objected to any business trips Ive taken (not even the week-long trip to the Bahamas when our daughter was 8 months old), so Im chiming in to say that whats going on with your husband is super abnormal in my experience. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. Right? Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. I came to say the same thing. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. Go. The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. Nope. They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. It could partly explain his reaction. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. So thank you for the comments. We walk through various casinos and gawk. We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. Its tough but definitely not impossible. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. It comes across as so controlling. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. But its a good idea to add in. Jeez, we all married the same guy. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. and I was gutted. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. When Your Partner Does Not Want to Travel - The Points Guy Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. The biggest crime Ive personally witnessed is the outrageous price of food. It sounds harsh, but stop comforting him *in the moment*, stop giving him your attention. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. Which update is that? Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. It is ideally set up to host conferences. Where is he staying. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. But they definitely need marriage counseling. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. Exactly. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. I still tease her about it. Sounds great. Youre adults. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. I also had this thought. Never! My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. I might include a warning when I announce the event though thats like, even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism or whatever. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. I agree. People dont completely change upon touchdown in Vegas. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. Or leave? Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Super reasonable! Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. Dont engage with his arguments. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. Yes, this. And of course brains being not rational, could be a whole soup of something bad will happen which combines kidnapping, cheating, meeting someone else and Vegas-marrying them despite already being marriedregardless, I think OP should go on the trip. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. rarely cede ground. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. Thats the issue here. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. You are one strong person, and thanks for sharing your story! As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. It was a blast! Im from the midwest haha. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Id go with the anxiety answer first. Youre going to DIE!. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. That may be an overreaction, but something clearly isnt working between you two, and he sounds emotionally abusive. What do you think?. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go.