When they are able to see the. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. lets_be_honest July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC FUCK BOARD GAMES. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Agreed. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. bittergaymark And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Find your shared interests and go from there? And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. And this is his responsibility too. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. You can see it in the fighting. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Jordan was my fave back in the day. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Youre right, though. The LWs husband sounds like my father. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. haha. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! bittergaymark Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Are any of these familiar to you? it seems to . How so? Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. Maybe not, though. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. Dream! I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? Skyblossom I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. But he can be a great dad regardless. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. findingtheearth This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. Losing the . This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. bittergaymark Id love to hang out with her. And so does dad. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. Terms & Conditions . Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. A: There are two things to consider here. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. What?! Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. All rights reserved. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. However, its wife that wrote in. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. I see his point to some extent. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. Her free spirit and spontaneity. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Unless you are from PA, of course. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Make it a game. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. See a different horoscope: Select The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? I think I read this differently than Wendy. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Cool! One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. He's always putting him down. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. . Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. Find a common ground youve got to. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. The Inner Light Seriously. This is exactly my experience, too. Do not let that behavior continue. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. What is arguable? In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. 'My husband is a terrible driver. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). I was so bad at the sports I was enrolled in that I would cry and beg not to go back, because I was the worst and everyone let me know it. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. temperance I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. Mother of a Fangirl. This is actually not difficult. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. This sounds a lot like my childhood! And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. I forgive you!. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. I completely agree with you on Buffy. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. Its not rocket science. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. , so i guess it cuts both ways. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. HA! I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. But yes, to all of it. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. And make it a good one. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. So, encourage her to spend time with him. Did my mother? July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. My parents werent interested in that stuff. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. 1. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Tell them in detail what you like about them. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason.